In Celebration of Being Alive

My church will be partaking of the Lord's Supper this coming Lord's day. As I prepare my heart to come before the Lord's Table, I am reminded afresh of our Lord Jesus Christ's love for us in coming into this world, suffered and died for us to redeem us from sins and eternal damnation. Thank God that our Lord is risen and by trusting in Him and turning away from our sins, we are reconciled to God through Him.

In this life, we shall have our portion of ups and downs, joy and sorrow, wellness and sickness, success and failures, etc etc these being part of our fallen nature and living in a less than perfect world. The tricky thing for those of us with a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar, is how to handle these challenges so that they do not either escalate into manic episodes or dragged us down into depression. Both are detrimental to our spiritual, mental and physical well being. But sometimes no matter how hard we try and with whatever help we have, we may still find ourselves deep in the pit of depression or wildly manic. These are the nature of our illness and we need patience to wait for them to pass, as we wait upon God while using whatever means available for recovery. Waiting is difficult as we wrestle with our pains and confusions. It is a struggle to me but thank God for sustaining and delivering me time and again.

Sometimes we may wonder why God allows us to go these sufferings. Or if our loved ones are the ones suffering thus, we may question why. All sufferings are ultimately due to living in a fallen world and our struggles with remaining corruption. But beyond these sufferings, are the higher purposes God may have for us in drawing us nearer to Himself so that we may know more of His love and faithfulness and be made more dependant upon Him, in purging us and sanctifying us so that we may be made more like our Lord Jesus Christ and ultimately in glorifying Himself through His sustaining and delivering us. God also enables us to sympathize with others who are going through suffering and share His love and mercies with others as we seek to comfort them with the same comfort that God has comforted us.

I thank God that we are able to encourage one another and support one another through our blogs. And I believe one of the reasons is because God has allowed us to experience much pains and sufferings in our life and giving us the joy of trusting in Him. We are weak but He is strong and His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. Though we may never meet on this earth, we can continue to share and support one another just as the Lord encourages us and strengthens us through all the changing scenes in life.

Recently, I shared the story of "Love Token" from my collections of short stories. This morning, I re-read another short story in my collections. And this story reminds me once again of how I should view my suffering and losses due to bipolar. I hope it will encourage you too and enable you to look at your sufferings or losses in a different angle:

In Celebration of Being Alive

A world-renowned heart surgeon ponders suffering and takes a lesson from two brave youngsters.

More and more, as I near the end of my career as a heart surgeon, my thoughts have turned to the consideration of why people should suffer. Suffering seems so cruelly prevalent in the world today. Do you know that of the 125 million children born this year, 12 million are unlikely to reach the age of one and another six million will die before the age of five? And, of the rest, many will end up as mental or physical cripples.

My gloomy thoughts probably stem from an accident I have a few years ago. One minute I was crossing the street with my wife after a lovely meal together, and the next minute a car had hit me and knocked me into my wife. She was thrown into the other lane and struck by a car coming from the opposite direction.

During the next few days in the hospital I experienced not only agony and fear but also anger. I could not understand why my wife and I had to suffer. I had 11 broken ribs and a perforated lung. My wife had a badly fractured shoulder. Over and over, I asked myself, why should this happen to us? I had work to do, after all; there are patients waiting for me to operate on them. My wife had a young baby who needed to care.

My father, had he still been alive, would, I know, have given short shift to my petulant questioning. He would have said: "My son, it's God's will. That's the way God test you. Suffering ennobles you - makes you a better person."

But, as a doctor, I see nothing noble in a patient's thrashing around in a sweat-soaked bed, mind clouded in agony. Nor can I see any nobility in the crying of a lonely child in a ward at night.

I had my first introduction to the suffering of children when I was a little boy. One day my father showed me a half-eaten, moldy biscuit with two tiny tooth marks in it. And he told me about my brother, who had died several years earlier. He told me about the suffering of this child, who had been born with an abnormal heart problem, but in those days they didn't have sophisticated heart surgery. And this moldy biscuit was the last biscuit my brother had eaten before his death.

As a doctor, I always found the suffering of children particularly heartbreaking - especially because of their total trust in doctors and nurses. They believe you are going to help them. If you can't, they accept their fate. They go through mutilating surgery, and afterward they don't complain.

One morning, several years ago, I witnessed what I call the Grand Prix of Cape Town's Red Cross Children's Hospital. It opened my eyes to the fact that I was missing something in all my thinking of suffering - something basic that was full of solace for me.

What happened there that morning was that a nurse had left a breakfast trolly unattended. And very soon this trolly was commandeered by an intrepid crew of two - a driver and a mechanic. The mechanic provided motor power by galloping along behind the trolley with his head down, while the driver, seated on the lower deck, held on with one hand and steered by scraping his foot on the floor. The choice of roles was easy, because the mechanic was totally blind and the driver had only one arm.

They put on quite a show that day. Judging by the laughter and the shouts of encouragement from the rest of the patients, it was much better entertainment than anything anyone puts on at Indianapolis. There was a grand finale of scattered plates and silverware before the nurse and ward sister caught up with them, scolded them and put them back to bed.

Let me tell you about these two. The mechanic was all of seven years old. One night, when his mother and father were drunk, his mother threw a lantern at his father, missed and the lantern broke over the child's head and shoulders. He suffered severe third-degree burns on the upper part of his body, and lost both of his eyes. At the time of the Grand Prix, he was a walking horror, with a disfigured face and a long flap of skin hanging from the side of his neck to his body. As the wound healed around his neck, his lower jaw became gripped in a mass of fibrous tissue. The only way this little boy could open his mouth was to raise his head. When I stopped by to see him after the race, he said, "You know, we won." He was laughing.

The trolley's driver I knew better. A few years earlier I had successfully closed a hole in his heart. He had returned to the hospital because he had a malignant tumor of the bone. A few days before the race, his shoulder and arm were amputated. There was little hope of recovering. After the Grand Prix, he proudly informed me that the race was a success. The only problem was that the trolley's wheels were not properly oiled, but he was a good driver, and he had full confidence in the mechanic.

Suddenly, I realized that these two children had given me a profound lesson in getting on with the business of living. Because the business of living is joy in the real sense of the word, not just something for pleasure, amusement, recreation. The business of living is the celebration of being alive.

I had been looking at suffering from the wrong end. You don't become a better person because you are suffering; but you become a better person because you have experienced suffering. We can't appreciate light if we haven't known darkness. Nor can we appreciate warmth if we have never suffered cold. These children showed me that it's not what you've lost that's important. What is important is what you have left.

This story reminded me afresh that it is more helpful for me to focus on what I still have and to use them for God's glory and benefit of others, instead of dwelling on what I may have lost or are loosing due to bipolar. I am learning, by God's grace, to look beyond my bipolar. I am learning to manage bipolar as best I can by looking to God and using all the helps available prayerfully, so that I can be more functional and useful. I pray that God will enable me to use whatever strength, time and ability I have to serve Him, His people and the society at large.

Recently, Michelle too shared that although she may have health issues but she can still do a lot. She prefers to think of us as "differently-abled" rather than disabled. I like the word "differently-abled". Yes, we may have health issues or other physical infirmities, we have our limitations and our downtime may be more than others, but we are not disabled. We are "differently-abled". We do still have our gifts and talents just like everyone else. We can use them to the best of our ability and live a useful and meaningful life, to God's glory.

I am reminded also of what I learned in my Catechism Class :

Westminster Shorter Catechism

Question 1: What is the chief end of man?
Answer: Man’s chief end is to glorify God,^a and to enjoy Him for ever.^b

^a 1 Cor 10:31; Rom 11:36; ^b Ps 73:25-28; Rev 7:15

• EQ 1(a) What is meant by the chief end of man?

A. The chief end of man refers firstly to the divine purpose for man’s existence and secondly to what man ought to aim at in his life and therefore that which he should seek after as his chief good and happiness.

• EQ 1(b) What does it mean to glorify God?

A. To glorify Him does not mean to give God any additional glory since he is eternally and infinitely perfect and glorious.^a What it means is to manifest God’s glory in our lives.^b When we worship and acknowledge God in sincere praise and thanksgiving, we glorify him.^c Similarly, when we sincerely endeavour, in our actions, at all times and in all situations, to exalt God’s name and to promote the interest of His kingdom in the world, we glorify Him.^d

P. ^a"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect" (Matt 5:48). ^b"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light" (1 Pet 2:9). ^c"Whoso offereth praise, glorifieth me" (Ps. 50:23a; cf. Heb 13:5). ^d"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Cor 10:31).

Read more .....

• EQ 1(g) What does it mean to enjoy God?

A. To enjoy God, is to rest in God and to delight in Him.

P. "Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" (Ps 73:25-26).

EQ 1(h) How do we enjoy God in this life?

A. In this life, we enjoy God when we taste of His goodness and experience His special love for us which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. This happens especially as we commune with Him in prayer, in the reading of His Word, in beholding His creation, and in contemplating His providence.

P. "O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." (Ps 34:8). "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us" (Rom 5:5).

• EQ 1(i) How do we enjoy God hereafter?

A. Our present enjoyment of God will be perfected seeing that we will be glorified, hindered by sin no more, and admitted into heaven where we shall see Christ face to face, to rest in Him and experience a full sense of His love. Our enjoyment and delight in God will be perfect and inconceivable then.

P. "In thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore" (Ps 16:11b); "There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God" (Heb 4:9).

• EQ 1(j) Why is the glorifying of God and the enjoyment of God joined together as one chief end of man?

A. Because God has so designed man that the very means of enjoying God is to glorify Him.

P. "Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God" (Ps 50:23). "For of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen" (Rom 11:36).

(Read more ..... from my Pastor's short commentaries on the Westminter Shorter Catechism)

May we, by the grace of God, look beyond our weaknesses and limitations, and look to God alone whose grace is sufficient for us, whose love is unchanging and to whom we belong. May His love and faithfulness be our joy and strength daily. May He enable us to live for His glory and enjoy Him here and for all eternity!





I took picture of this beautiful Rose at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

"The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying,
Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love:
therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."
Jeremiah 31:3

Bipolar - not a lifetime imprisonment

Recently, I shared in my post "Looking through our prisons" on how when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) in end March last year ie March 2007 after about 2o years of mood swings with about 11 episodes of severe depressions, I was both relieved as well as discouraged.

I was relieved to finally understood my confusing past and to know that my condition has a name ie bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness). I was relieved to know that it is a medical condition that can be treated, and it is not due to my being too emotional or any weaknesses in my character. It is a medical condition just like asthma, diabetes and hypertension.

But when I was first diagnosed, there was a one point of time when I was thrown into despair. When I knew that bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition and that it is cyclical in nature, which means it will recur, I was very discouraged. Every prolonged and severe depressive episode is very unbearable and painful beyond words. I felt as if I have been given a lifetime imprisonment sentence in which there will be no release from this prison. It is worst then a death sentence. A death sentence will end all pain and misery once and for all. But to be imprison in a brain that can malfunction at any point of time and be thrown into severe depression episodes over and over again, is both scary and distressing. How my heart sank when I thought of that.

Thank God He comforted through His Words, the Bible and His love, mercies and faithfulness in many wonderful ways. I realized that no matter what God allows me to go through, He will be with me in it and His grace will be sufficient for me. He promised that He is working all things for His glory and for my good. And He will never leave me nor forsake me. He makes no mistake! If He allows me to have bipolar disorder, He knows that it will be cyclical. He does not delight in my sufferings. But yet He allows it for a good purpose and I can trust in His love and sovereignty.

Thank God that my diagnosis helps me to understand my condition and the necessity to seek helps. Thank God, now with medical helps, counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, regular exercise, Omega 3 fish oil, managing stress level, et etc my condition is under control now and I am able to live a more stable and useful life. I also read the Bible and pray daily for strength and grace from God to live for Him joyfully and serve Him despite my condition and limitations. I thank God for joy in Him daily as I experience His love and mercies in many wonderful ways.

Susan encouraged me that she doesn't think it needs to be a life sentence for people. As people recover from terminal illnesses; why shouldn't they recover from Bipolar Disorder? She felt it's too bad that our doctors aren't more hopeful.

Michelle noted that the trickiest part is learning to control the disease as much as we can, to know what makes it worse and learning to live a rich life even with the illness. She have had a lifetime of illness to learn this and she refuses to let her illness still her joy! Doesn't mean she is always happy but she does always have joy even on the days she has to look really hard for it.

Susan and Michelle's sharing are very encouraging. Thank God that we live in a generation where there are much helps available. Vincent van Gogh, who experienced severe depressions and whose painting became famous after his tragic death through suicide, lived at a time when medical help was not as advance as now. Most people with mental illness like Vincent van Gogh are locked away in asylum. Mercifully, in our age, with medical and other helps, most people with depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and other mental health condition can be helped and we can live a life that is close to normal and be productive too.

I just received a very encouraging comment from Rob. Rob shared of how after 30 years of being on Lithium, he has been able to go off Lithium under the advice of his doctor. For the last 22 years, he did not have any relapse of depression and mania. He feels that those of us with bipolar should not think of ourselves as being helpless victims. There are things we can do that will help us to avoid the extreme highs and lows. Things that are just as important as drugs. Rob hopes that we know that bipolar disorder should not be thought of as something that is going to ruin you whole life. It is not a "life sentence" in that way.

I do agree with Rob that bipolar need not ruin our life. It need not be a "life sentence" of imprisonment for us. We can learn to manage our condition with the various helps available, and look beyond our condition to live a useful life just like every one else.

As much as I feel that medication is important, I too feel that other coping means are equally important. And at some point they may be more effective, as we learn to know what may cause our highs and lows, and seek to learn to manage these. At this point of time, my medication is helping me and I am thankful for that. I am also learning as much as I can how to manage my condition through other helps. It is true that sometimes no matter how best we have done to prevent a relapse, it may still happen. This is the nature of the illness. But we can still learn to either shorten these or how to get better, or if not, then at least to bear these episodes patiently, knowing that they will pass over and we will experience light and joy once again. There is truly a wide spectrum to the experiences of bipolar, our manic and depression may affect us in different ways. But the good news, is there is hope and help. Thank God that I am benefitting from different coping means now. Thank God that by His mercies, I have been able to find some blessings in my bipolar condition, and I am appreciating how bipolar shapes my thoughts and life. It makes my life more colorful and enable me to know God and His goodness and mercies in very real and personal ways daily.

I am reproducing Rob's comment here for our encouragement. Thanks again, Rob, for sharing!

Dear Nancie,

In 1976 I became manic, was diagnosed as bipolar, and was put on Lithium (and also temporarily Stelazine, a tranquilizer). I came back down to normal after a few weeks, but then slid into depression for 5 long months. I had to drop out of fourth year university that year. I got back to normal, finished my Bachelors degree the next year, and went on to get a Masters degree. I was quite normal until 1985, when I became manic again, and was hospitalized for 12 days, though this time the mania did not last as long as before, and miraculously I did not rebound into depression. Since then it has been over 22 years, and I have had no further episodes of mania or depression. I have been quite fine, and have had a very nice and productive life. About 2 years ago I started to feel that the side-effects of Lithium were getting more bothersome than before. I asked my psychiatrist about drug alternatives, and much to my surprise he suggested that I try going off Lithium and take no drugs at all. After 30 years of taking Lithium every day, for the first time in my adult life I was going to experience my body drug-free! I read a lot on the Internet about going off Lithium (most said it was very risky), and we agreed that for safety I should get off it very gradually over 3 months. I did that, and it has now been 16 months since I took any Lithium or any other drug, and I've been fine. I have had no bipolar episodes at all, and I don't have those bothersome Lithium side-effects to deal with. I watch my moods carefully, try to sleep well, get exercise each day, eat nutritiously and keep my stress level down. So far so good! I just want others to know that bipolar disorder should not be thought of as something that is going to ruin your whole life. It is not a "life sentence" in that way. I hope my example makes you and others feel a bit more optimistic. I used to feel that Lithium was my only real defense against this illness. Now I feel that Lithium and other drugs do work, and are necessary in many cases, and I certainly wouldn't recommend that anyone stop taking their meds without consulting their doctor, but I also feel that those of us with bipolar should not think of ourselves as being helpless victims. There are things we can do that will help us to avoid the extreme highs and lows. Things that are just as important as drugs. I think your blog is an excellent resource in that regard, and covers many great ideas. Keep up the good work, and be confident in your efforts to manage your bipolar tendencies. You have a good attitude. -- Rob

I took this rose at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. Psalm 143:8"

Looking through our prisons

Recently, I was thinking of the way my diagnosis of bipolar disorder have affected my perspective in life. When I knew that bipolar is a lifelong condition, I was at first very discouraged. I felt as if I have been given a lifetime imprisonment sentence in which there will be no release from this prison. It is worst then a death sentence.

There are different kinds of prison in this world. When I was diagnosed with proneness to bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), it was a relief to me because it helps me to understand my confusing past. With medical helps, counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, regular exercise, Omega 3 fish oil, managing stress level, et etc my condition is under control now and I am able to live a more productive life.

But my diagnosis last year did at one point of time throw me into despair. When I knew that bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition and that it is cyclical in nature, which means it will recur, I was very discouraged. Every prolonged and severe depressive episode is very unbearable and painful beyond words. The nature of severe depressive episodes is such that our brain can become so malfunctioning and can't receive/send the appropriate messages which cause our thoughts or feelings to be either blank, flat or distorted. Depression robs away all joy and hope, and makes living itself very difficult. I am often tempted with suicidal thoughts during severe depression episodes and I often pray that the Lord will take me home. The inability to enjoy my family, church, friends, work and even God Himself (as my brain simply can't function), makes life very meaningless. The hopeless I faced each day is beyond words description. Day in day out, night in nigh out, every hour, facing such hopelessness and helplessness is like living in hell. Oh, how the Lord preserved me! I cannot imagine how I could have survived those distressing episodes without God's mercies and preservation. Though I couldn't feel God's presence with me at times due to the chemical imbalance in my brain, God is still with me to sustain and deliver me.

When I knew that bipolar is a lifelong condition, I was at first very discouraged. I felt as if I have been given a lifetime imprisonment sentence in which there will be no release from this prison. It is worst then a death sentence. A death sentence will end all pain and misery once and for all. But to be imprison in a brain that can malfunction at any point of time and be thrown into severe depression episodes over and over again, is both scary and distressing. How my heart sank when I thought of that. But thank God that He will never allow us to be tempted or tried more than we can bear. I found comfort in God's Words and His love, mercies and faithfulness. I realized that no matter what God allows me to go through, He will be with me in it and His grace will be sufficient for me. He promised that He is working all things for His glory and for my good. And He will never leave me nor forsake me. He makes no mistake! If He allows me to have bipolar disorder, He knows that it will be cyclical. He does not delight in my sufferings. But yet He allows it for a good purpose and I can trust in His love and sovereignty.

I prayed much for grace to submit to God's will, to trust in Him and His mercies, and to live for Him despite my condition. Bipolar disorder does not define me nor my life. It is merely an illness just like diabetes, hypertension and asthma. People with these illness can live a life close to normal despite their limitations. So with medical and other help, people with bipolar, depression and other poor mental health illness can also live a life that is close to normal and be useful and productive.

There are different kind of freedom. I realized then that I still have the freedom to make choices. Would I smile when I see my family, church and friends or would I weep? Would I rail against God in bitterness or would I ask Him to strengthen my faith and give me grace to live for Him despite my condition? Would I allow my condition to rule and ruin my life, or would I seek to find and apply whatever help that is available and within my means to make use of? Would I allow my life to waste away in despair and hopelessnes, or would I look to God for strength to be useful and helpful to others by giving them hope in their own sufferings? In other words, what would I do with the free will that was still mine?

I decided to live as fully as I could, as the Lord enables me, to look for ways to transcend my physical and mental limitations by making use of my available mental capacities and expanding its use to help others. I could choose to be a role model to others who suffer in various ways, or I could wither and die, emotionally as well as physically and mentally.

There are many kinds of freedom. When we lose one kind, we must look for another. We can look at our illness and our limitations, or we can look through them. I thank God that He is strengthening me day by day and giving me the grace to trust in Him, to look beyond my condition to see His love and faithfulness, and to make use of whatever helps He has provided for me to help others too.

I thank God for the joy of developing this blog which is not only therapeutic to myself as I journal my thoughts and feelings. It also has been helping others who are suffering from depression and bipolar. I thank God that I can share His goodness and mercies, for it is only when we view our pains and sufferings in the light of the sovereignty and love of God, that we can find hope and help in our prisons. In God is our freedom and liberality. One day we shall leave our earthly prison to go to a far away land where the roads are made of gold, there are many mansions for us to live in, there will be no more pains and sorrows, and we shall enjoy our Lord Jesus Christ's love for all eternity. Maybe then we can understand a little better the path He has chosen for us. It shall redown to His glory and we shall be awed by His love and faithfulness, through all the changing scenes of life. What a mercy! And what a comfort! It is these thoughts and knowledge that gives me the courage to face each day joyfully in the Lord, looking unto Him alone who is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He who laid down His life for me, loves and cares for me daily. Praise Him.



My friend, HH Sau, took this lovely photo at Combodia.






"For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness." Psalm 18:26