Out of the depths - Psalm 130

My friend and brother-in-Christ, John, did this lovely video on Psalm 130.

Psalm 130 is one of my favourite Psalms in the Bible. In my struggles with severe depression, this Psalm has brought much comfort to me. From the depths of my dark and painful experiences, I learn to cry unto our Lord for in Him alone I can find salvation and deliverance.

During severe depression, I am particularly conscious of my sins and failures towards God and other people. Though depression is not always due to sin or spiritual reasons, it does have a detrimental effect on one's spiritual life. During depression, what I find most unbearable was my inability to enjoy prayers, reading of the Bible, public worship and fellowship. I do love and enjoy these things when I am well. But during depression, I can't feel any joy in these things at all. This is because depression caused the brain not to function properly and not able to send the right messages, and a person is not able to think or feel rightly. So I can't feel any joy or enjoy anything generally. But I mistakenly thought it is because I was not right with God. Yet no matter how much I prayed and seek the Lord's forgiveness, I could not get better. Usually it is after 3 to 6 months, or sometimes longer that I began to feel better.

And when others implied that I was depressed either because I have sinned or lack of faith in God, it doesn't help at all but only aggravate my condition as I began to experience a lot of guilt when there is no basis for it. Only God knows how I cried unto Him and look to Him during those dark days. I used to sing this Psalm and find comfort that with God there is forgiveness of sins and whether my depression is due to sin or not, God will forgive and deliver me. If God were to mark my sins, I cannot stand before Him. But God is merciful and I hope in Him. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness in sustaining and delivering me time and again. I am encouraged by His love, mercies and faithfulness.

Thank God that my diagnosis last year helped me to know that I have a proneness to bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) which is a chronic mood disorder that can be treated. Thank God that now with medical helps, counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, regular exercise, Omega 3 fish oil, managing stress level, et etc my condition is under control now and I am able to live a more stable and useful life. I also read the Bible and pray daily for strength and grace from God to live for Him joyfully and serve Him despite my condition and limitations. I thank God for joy in Him daily as I experience His love and mercies in many wonderful ways.

Thank God that no matter what depths we may fall into in this life, we can cry unto Him and find comfort and deliverance in Him. And when He allows us to go through prolonged period of darkness, pains and sufferings, we can still have the assurance of His love and presence with us.

I thank God that He brought me to know more of Himself and His love for me through my darkest and most painful battle with depression. God is very real to me because of His presence with me and the way I see Him working in my life and delivering me time and again. I pray that I may be able to love Him and serve Him all the days of my life, and I will be able to love others with His love so that they too can know the saving grace of God and know His love and care.

And for us who have placed our trust and hope in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, we can have the assurance of God's love for us and His presence with us through all the changing scenes of life. Even when we cannot feel God's presence with us because of our depression numbing our brain and feelings, we can still have the calm assurance that God loves us and is with us, and He will deliver us. And one day, when our tasks here are completed, we can have the joy of entering into our eternal rest and we shall enjoy His love and fellowship forever more, never to be hindered by sins or sicknesses any more. What a blessed hope!

Psalm 130
Scottish Metrical Psalm

1  Lord, from the depths to thee I cried.
2     My voice, Lord, do thou hear:
Unto my supplication's voice
   give an attentive ear.

3  Lord, who shall stand, if thou, O Lord,
   should'st mark iniquity?
4  But yet with thee forgiveness is,
   that feared thou mayest be.

5  I wait for God, my soul doth wait,
   my hope is in his word.
6  More than they that for morning watch,
   my soul waits for the Lord;

I say, more than they that do watch
   the morning light to see.
7  Let Israel hope in the Lord,
   for with him mercies be;

And plenteous redemption
   is ever found with him.
8  And from all his iniquities
   he Isr'el shall redeem.

Love Token

Thank God for His faithfulness in granting me a very good rest last night. I was very very tired and went to bed before 9pm! I am up early this morning, and very thankful to feel refreshed to serve God again for this day that He has given me.

I pray that today the Lord will help me to remember to pace myself moderately, and I will remember to take breaks and rest in Him, and seek Him in prayers too.

I thank God for His encouragement through His Words in my devotion this morning. I am reminded that I must put God first in all that I do and say daily, and strive to honour Him and do good to others. Sometimes I get too task-oriented, especially when I am manic, as I will be full of energy and ideas during the day time. Sometimes I forget to stop and pray before my tasks. And at times, I become too much of a Martha and forget to be a Mary! I tend to do too many things and forget to spend more time with our Lord in prayer and in His Words. Thank God that He does slows me down and I am still learning to recognize early symptoms of over-straining. I also need much discipline to take breaks and rest! It's hard when my brain is full of ideas, I get very excited and there seemed to be 101 things I think I should do :) Oops, there I go again :)

This morning, I was very encouraged by a short story I reread. Since young, I loved to read. I have a small collections of short stories and quotable quotes which I enjoyed very much.

This morning, I reread "Love Token" and I would like to share with you. It touches my heart and reminded me afresh of what really matters in this life in the various relationships in our life. Hope you will be encouraged too :)

Love Token

From an old woman, a young nurse learns a valuable lesson of life.

Until I met Mrs. Bench, nursing wasn't quite what I had expected. An active imagination had set visions of Florence Nightingale dancing in my head. Instead, I got the three Bs: bathing, bed making and bedpans. As student nurses, we ventured out to practice our skills on patients. That's how I met Mrs. Bench - my first patient. That morning, I bustled in with my equipment and said cheerily, "Good morning, Mrs. Bench. I'm your nurse today."

Mrs. Bench was a tiny, ancient lady with mounds of blue-white hair bunched in a net on top of her head. The rest of her body was the shade of a ripe pumpkin. "What do you want?" Her tone of voice implied I was not to get it.

"I'm here to give you a bath, and make your bed."

"Well, just march yourself right out of here. I don't intend to have a bath today."

Squaring my shoulders, I looked her right in the eye. "Mrs. Bench, my job is to give you a bath. Now, let's get started." To my alarm, big tears formed in her eyes, and trickled into the furrows of her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"What's wrong? I'm dying, that's what's wrong. And nobody cares, just as long as I'm clean."

"Did your doctor tell you you're going to die?"

She shook her head. "No, he keeps talking as if I'll be going home, but I'm not fooled."

"Now, now," I said briskly, "have a little faith in your doctor." I ignored her protests and bulldozed ahead into the bath.

The next day, Mrs. Bench anticipated my coming and had her ammunition ready. "Before you do anything," she said, "define 'nursing'."

I eyed her doubtfully. "Well, nursing is hard to define," I hedged. "It has to do with taking care of sick people."

At that Mrs. Bench whisked back the bedspread to reveal a dictionary. "Just as I suspected," she said triumphantly, "you don't even know that you're supposed to do." She flipped the book to a page she had marked and read slowly: " 'To nurse: to tend the sick or aged: to take care of, nourish, foster, develop or cherish.' " She closed the book with a bang. "I'm ready to be nursed. Today, I've a mind to be cherished."

"Good heaven, Mrs. Bench," I said, "what are you talking about?"

Grinning broadly, she patted a chair next to the bed. "Just sit down. Cherishing's easy to learn. You start by listening."

Listen I did. That day and the days to come, she told me her life's story, taking great pains to spell out the lessons life had taught her. Finally, she told me about Mr. Bench. "He was a tall, raw-honed farmer with too short trousers and too long hairs. When he came courting, he tracked mud into the parlor. Of course, I thought I was meant for finer things, but I married him anyway."

"For our first anniversary, I wanted a love token. They were made of etching flowers and entwined initials. They were hung on a fine silver chain, and presented on a special occasion." She smiled and fingered the silver chain she always wore. "The anniversary day came, and Ben up and hitched the wagon to drive into town. In a fever of anticipation, I waited on a slope, looking for the dust in the distance that would mark his coming."

Her eyes clouded. "He never came. Riders found the wagon the next morning. They came out with the news, and this." Reverently, she drew it out. It was faded now from rubbing against her skin, but one side was wreathed with tiny hearts and flowers. The reverse said simply, "Ben and Alma. Love eternal."

"But it's a penny," I said. "Didn't you say they were silver or gold?"

Replacing her jewel, she nodded. Tears rimmed her eyes. "It's sad to admit, but if he'd come home that day, I'd have seen only the penny. As it was, I saw only the love."

I never saw Mrs. Bench again. She died that night. But she left me a precious legacy that has helped make me a better nurse - and a better person.

A few blinks to dislodge the tears, and she faced me with a clear, piercing gaze. "I hope you listened well, young lady. That's the trouble you're having with being a nurse. You only see the penny. You're blind to the love. Remember, don't be fooled by the penny. Look for the love."

I first read this touching account in 1984 and I have typed it out and kept it in my collection. Even now, 24 years later, as I re-typed this touching story to share with you, it still touches my heart and brings tears to my eyes while I was typing. I am reminded afresh of how it will be good for me to learn to appreciate the love of the people around me and not just at what they give to me or do for me. I am also learning to appreciate the love of God and not just His blessings and gifts.

I am learning to cherish my time with family and friends and not just do things for them or make gifts for them. One of the important lessons I learned through my counsellor, Sarah, early last year, was that a meaningful life is found not only in doing meaningful things but also in having meaningful relationships with God and with others. This is a lesson I am still learning to apply in my life, by God's grace, and I am thankful that it is changing my life in many wonderful ways and helping me in my relationships with people around me.

I sometimes think I love too much at times and I get hurt too much because of it. But I am someone who feels deeply and have not learned how to restrain myself. I love my family and friends and maybe at times I tried too hard to please them or make them happy, whether knowingly or unknowingly. But sometimes it also backfired when I am more concerned about doing things for them rather than spending time with them, and loving them through being with them. Giving them gifts and doing things are ways of showing love, but sometimes spending time with them may show them greater love and they may cherish it more. I may be doing things for people, but I forget to spend quality time with them, which is more important to them and matter more to them. I pray God helps me to improve in this aspect.

It is the same in my walk with God and my serving God. I need this reminder too. Sometimes I am too preoccupied with many things I want to do for God in serving Him and I forget to spend more time in prayers and reading of God's Words. God delights in our communion with Him in prayers and reading of His Words. To be a Christian is to have a personal relationship with God. It is not just going to church and serving in as many capacities as possible. These are important and God do delights in our labours of love. But God delights even more when we love Him enough to spend more time with Him in prayers and reading the Bible. It is only by spending time with God that we can know more of His love for us and His goodness to us. It is also the way we learn how best to walk with Him and serve Him, and do good to others.

I need to still my heart and listen to God, before I busy myself with the day's tasks : ) And to remember to spend quality time with God and others around me.

Hope you will also look for love, and not just penny, in your relationships and work, or whatever you do :)



I took picture of these beautiful flowers at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

Come unto me....and I will give you rest

I was rather manic recently, as you can see :) I have been writing long posts to share my thoughts and feelings which is therapeutic to me. Sometimes I also write long emails to share with some friends. I do have racing thoughts on most days and find it especially a relief to be able to share on this blog. Thanks all my dear blogging friends and readers, for dropping by and share my experiences. Thanks for all your prayers and encouraging comments! It's a joy to get to know all of you and to be able to mutually encourage one another and support one another as we strive to manage our bipolar disorder or depression so that we can be more functional and useful.

I am thankful to God for His mercies and faithfulness in answering my prayers and providing some freelance assignments for me. It is because I am able to work freelance that I am able to continue to write and share my experiences and God's goodness to me on this blog.

As I am rather manic, I do still have problem slowly down. I know I need to slow down and pace myself moderately as past experiences have taught me that prolonged manic and hyper-activity will lead to a severe depression episodes that can last for months at ends.

I have been very occupied in these days doing 2 freelance job assignments, developing my blogs, doing volunteer work for my church and making bookmarks for my church friends. I do enjoy these very much and sometimes lost track of time, or forget to take short breaks in between. I have been feeling rather tired at the end of each day for the last 2 weeks. I know these are early signs that I am over-straining myself. I am trying to slow down and take rests in between. I do pray that God may grant me wisdom to manage my time and strength so that I don't fall into severe depression again.

Today I felt very tired even in the afternoon and had to take a nap, which I don't usually do. As I laid down to rest, I commit myself unto the Lord. I asked for His grace to help me to cope with each day in His strength and not to over-strain. I am reminded that my strength and joy is in Him and I pray that He will not let me forget Him or let any work/activities let priority in my life.

I thank God for the joy of seeking Him in prayers and devotions every morning and evening. This evening, the Lord encouraged me with the following passages from Matthew 11:

Matthew 11:28-30

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Thank God that when I feel tired and weary after a long day, I can come before our Lord in prayers and commit myself, my family, my church, my work, etc etc to Him, and find rest in Him. It is truly blessed to belong to the Lord Jesus Christ, to have the assurance that all things are in His hands. I must not worry or be overly anxious but learn to cast all my cares upon Him because He cares for me. Thank and praise Him.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28


I took this flower at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee

Thank God that He is my help and strength daily.

Before my diagnosis of bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) last year, I have gone through some 10 to 11 episodes of severe depressions which often lasted some 3 to 6 months or longer. During those very distressing times, I didn't know that my condition is a medical condition that can be treated. I hid my sufferings most of the time because of the terrible stigma associated with depression even among Christians. I am thankful to God for preserving me through those very difficult and painful times, and extremely lonely and confusing time. Now, I found comfort in the knowledge that God loves me and is working all things for His glory and my good even through this chronic illness.

I thank God that now my family, church and friends are more understanding and supportive. Bipolar disorder can be very confusing to our family and friends. They not only caused much distress to us, but to people around us as well. Thank God for helping my family and friends to be more very understanding, supportive, prayerful and kind. One of the purpose of my developing this blog is also to share with family and friends of people with bipolar disorder or depression, so that carers and friends can know how best to help someone with mood disorders.

Pastor David P Murray, who did 6 very information and useful videos on "Depression and the Christian" said in his 6th message on "The Carer":

As Christians, we surely want to be the person whom our loved ones turn to in time of need. And, when they do turn to us, we want to be able to help them and not hurt them further.

It is, therefore, imperative that we learn about depression and other mental illnesses in order to avoid the very common mistakes that lay-people often make when dealing with the mentally ill, and in order to be of maximum benefit to those who are suffering.

Thank God that He has provided family and friends who care and willing to learn about our conditions so that they can be of maximum benefit to us. These are tokens of God's love and goodness to us.

Even at times when family or friends failed to understand or support us, we may have the comforting assurance that God cares. He Who loved us enough to send His only begotten Son, our Lord Jesus Christ to live, suffered and died for us, continues to love us and care for us daily. And very often, His presence and faithfulness is most experienced in our darkest day. We would never have been able to survive without Him!

How comforting to remember that the Lord is with us. When we passed through deep waters or go through the fires, He is with us. He will never leave us nor forsake us. May we rest in His love and faithfulness when reasons, feelings and even faith fails us. We rest in Him and look to Him alone, and not even to our faith which is often weak.

May God's love through our Lord Jesus Christ brings you comfort and sweet peace today :)






I took this picture of the waves at Changi Beach, Singapore.

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee." Isaiah 41:1-2

Bipolar - not a lifetime imprisonment

Recently, I shared in my post "Looking through our prisons" on how when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) in end March last year ie March 2007 after about 2o years of mood swings with about 11 episodes of severe depressions, I was both relieved as well as discouraged.

I was relieved to finally understood my confusing past and to know that my condition has a name ie bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness). I was relieved to know that it is a medical condition that can be treated, and it is not due to my being too emotional or any weaknesses in my character. It is a medical condition just like asthma, diabetes and hypertension.

But when I was first diagnosed, there was a one point of time when I was thrown into despair. When I knew that bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition and that it is cyclical in nature, which means it will recur, I was very discouraged. Every prolonged and severe depressive episode is very unbearable and painful beyond words. I felt as if I have been given a lifetime imprisonment sentence in which there will be no release from this prison. It is worst then a death sentence. A death sentence will end all pain and misery once and for all. But to be imprison in a brain that can malfunction at any point of time and be thrown into severe depression episodes over and over again, is both scary and distressing. How my heart sank when I thought of that.

Thank God He comforted through His Words, the Bible and His love, mercies and faithfulness in many wonderful ways. I realized that no matter what God allows me to go through, He will be with me in it and His grace will be sufficient for me. He promised that He is working all things for His glory and for my good. And He will never leave me nor forsake me. He makes no mistake! If He allows me to have bipolar disorder, He knows that it will be cyclical. He does not delight in my sufferings. But yet He allows it for a good purpose and I can trust in His love and sovereignty.

Thank God that my diagnosis helps me to understand my condition and the necessity to seek helps. Thank God, now with medical helps, counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, regular exercise, Omega 3 fish oil, managing stress level, et etc my condition is under control now and I am able to live a more stable and useful life. I also read the Bible and pray daily for strength and grace from God to live for Him joyfully and serve Him despite my condition and limitations. I thank God for joy in Him daily as I experience His love and mercies in many wonderful ways.

Susan encouraged me that she doesn't think it needs to be a life sentence for people. As people recover from terminal illnesses; why shouldn't they recover from Bipolar Disorder? She felt it's too bad that our doctors aren't more hopeful.

Michelle noted that the trickiest part is learning to control the disease as much as we can, to know what makes it worse and learning to live a rich life even with the illness. She have had a lifetime of illness to learn this and she refuses to let her illness still her joy! Doesn't mean she is always happy but she does always have joy even on the days she has to look really hard for it.

Susan and Michelle's sharing are very encouraging. Thank God that we live in a generation where there are much helps available. Vincent van Gogh, who experienced severe depressions and whose painting became famous after his tragic death through suicide, lived at a time when medical help was not as advance as now. Most people with mental illness like Vincent van Gogh are locked away in asylum. Mercifully, in our age, with medical and other helps, most people with depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and other mental health condition can be helped and we can live a life that is close to normal and be productive too.

I just received a very encouraging comment from Rob. Rob shared of how after 30 years of being on Lithium, he has been able to go off Lithium under the advice of his doctor. For the last 22 years, he did not have any relapse of depression and mania. He feels that those of us with bipolar should not think of ourselves as being helpless victims. There are things we can do that will help us to avoid the extreme highs and lows. Things that are just as important as drugs. Rob hopes that we know that bipolar disorder should not be thought of as something that is going to ruin you whole life. It is not a "life sentence" in that way.

I do agree with Rob that bipolar need not ruin our life. It need not be a "life sentence" of imprisonment for us. We can learn to manage our condition with the various helps available, and look beyond our condition to live a useful life just like every one else.

As much as I feel that medication is important, I too feel that other coping means are equally important. And at some point they may be more effective, as we learn to know what may cause our highs and lows, and seek to learn to manage these. At this point of time, my medication is helping me and I am thankful for that. I am also learning as much as I can how to manage my condition through other helps. It is true that sometimes no matter how best we have done to prevent a relapse, it may still happen. This is the nature of the illness. But we can still learn to either shorten these or how to get better, or if not, then at least to bear these episodes patiently, knowing that they will pass over and we will experience light and joy once again. There is truly a wide spectrum to the experiences of bipolar, our manic and depression may affect us in different ways. But the good news, is there is hope and help. Thank God that I am benefitting from different coping means now. Thank God that by His mercies, I have been able to find some blessings in my bipolar condition, and I am appreciating how bipolar shapes my thoughts and life. It makes my life more colorful and enable me to know God and His goodness and mercies in very real and personal ways daily.

I am reproducing Rob's comment here for our encouragement. Thanks again, Rob, for sharing!

Dear Nancie,

In 1976 I became manic, was diagnosed as bipolar, and was put on Lithium (and also temporarily Stelazine, a tranquilizer). I came back down to normal after a few weeks, but then slid into depression for 5 long months. I had to drop out of fourth year university that year. I got back to normal, finished my Bachelors degree the next year, and went on to get a Masters degree. I was quite normal until 1985, when I became manic again, and was hospitalized for 12 days, though this time the mania did not last as long as before, and miraculously I did not rebound into depression. Since then it has been over 22 years, and I have had no further episodes of mania or depression. I have been quite fine, and have had a very nice and productive life. About 2 years ago I started to feel that the side-effects of Lithium were getting more bothersome than before. I asked my psychiatrist about drug alternatives, and much to my surprise he suggested that I try going off Lithium and take no drugs at all. After 30 years of taking Lithium every day, for the first time in my adult life I was going to experience my body drug-free! I read a lot on the Internet about going off Lithium (most said it was very risky), and we agreed that for safety I should get off it very gradually over 3 months. I did that, and it has now been 16 months since I took any Lithium or any other drug, and I've been fine. I have had no bipolar episodes at all, and I don't have those bothersome Lithium side-effects to deal with. I watch my moods carefully, try to sleep well, get exercise each day, eat nutritiously and keep my stress level down. So far so good! I just want others to know that bipolar disorder should not be thought of as something that is going to ruin your whole life. It is not a "life sentence" in that way. I hope my example makes you and others feel a bit more optimistic. I used to feel that Lithium was my only real defense against this illness. Now I feel that Lithium and other drugs do work, and are necessary in many cases, and I certainly wouldn't recommend that anyone stop taking their meds without consulting their doctor, but I also feel that those of us with bipolar should not think of ourselves as being helpless victims. There are things we can do that will help us to avoid the extreme highs and lows. Things that are just as important as drugs. I think your blog is an excellent resource in that regard, and covers many great ideas. Keep up the good work, and be confident in your efforts to manage your bipolar tendencies. You have a good attitude. -- Rob

I took this rose at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

"Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee. Psalm 143:8"