Understanding my confusing past

One of the greatest advantage of my diagnosis with proneness to bipolar disorder or manic-depressive illness last March was that it helped me to understand that it is a medical condition that can be treated with medication and other helps. These have helped to relieve or shortened my suffering and enabled me to be more functional.

The other greatest advantage was it helped me to understand my confusing past.I have had some 10 or more episodes of severe depression over the last 20 years or so, prior to my diagnosis. And my life was like a big mess.

Whenever I am well, I am slightly manic and I will have more energy. I have many happy thoughts, able to accomplish many things and can be very creative. I like to make others happy by making small gifts for them like bookmarks and cross-stitch. I will also write to my friends to let them know that I am thinking of them and praying for them, especially those who are suffering in some ways. I enjoyed my family, my church, friends and work very much. I loved being with people, and I tend to be very talkative and overly friendly, even to strangers. Some friends said they find me very warm and friendly at such times. I am also a very excellent worker when I am manic and I alway take pride in whatever I do. I am some kind of a perfectionist and so I can do even a very small job very well. I do all things as unto the Lord, and will not mind even menial or boring jobs. I can be a great motivation to others who lead a mundane life by being very enthusiastic in whatever I do.

But whenever I am severely depressed, I am totally the opposite. I will be so slowed down that I can hardly wake up in the morning and I dragged myself through the day. My mind which used to be very positive and cheerful, filled with ideas and projects, suddenly seemed to have turned against me. My thoughts are all negative and self-condemning. My mind condemns me for all my past sins and failures. It kept playing back my past mistakes and weaknesses. It mocked at me for all my enthusiams and foolish plans. It no longer found anything interesting or enjoyable or worthwhile. I can't concentrate in anything I do or read. My thoughts turned time and again to the question, "What is the meaning of my life?". I can't enjoy prayer, reading the Bible or church. I can't enjoy my family, friends, work, hobbies or anything in general. And I simply can't find anything meaningful to do or worthy to live for. I often wished that the Lord will take me home quickly as every day is a living hell for me. As my depression usually lasted at least 3 to 6 months, or sometimes longer, you can imagine how challenging it will be for me to face that annoying question "What is the meaning of my life?" or "What is the point of living?" daily. It drained me.

Actually, in some sense of the word, Rob is right when he pointed out in my last post, that people only have the luxury to think about the meaning and purpose of life when they have no other more urgent problems. During depression, I don't have the energy or desire to do anything. So I did have plenty of time on hand and the luxury to ruminate over the meaning of my life. The only problem is because I was severely depressed, all my thoughts were negative and self-condemning. So I naturally can't find any meaning in my life during such time.

By the mercies of God, in January 2007, through the help of a Christian lady counsellor, Sarah and her team, at Counselling and Care Centre in Singapore, I have embarked on a new journey of self-discovery, of knowing God, myself and others better. Sarah counselled me for 9 sessions between end January 2007 to April 2007. These were life-changing sessions for me. Sarah uses a method of counselling or psychotherapy that is called "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" (CBT).

CBT is a form counselling with a focus on understanding how our thoughts affect our behaviours. Bipolar alternates between 2 extreme mood swings ie. mania and depression, and our thoughts and behaviours are shaped by these mania and depression episodes which can at times be very confusing. CBT helps to make sense some of these confusions, and help to pick up skills to manage these mood swings so that one can be more functional. Through CBT I discovered some faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns I have been having which either can trigger off an episode of depression or can make it worse. These are still great challenges to me now.

CBT helps to make sense of my confusing past. In my first 2 sessions with my counsellor, Sarah, I recounted to her my past relapses of severe clinical depression in the last 20 years. Sarah noted at the end of my second session with her that there is a phrase I keep repeating and that is during every depressive episodes I will wonder "What is the meaning of my life?". Sarah felt that there is a necessity for me to explore this question and to see how I can get a more realistic and biblical view on this question as that will have an impact in my recovery.

Through my counselling sessions with Sarah, I realized that the question "What is the meaning of my life?" recurs only when I was depressed. It is part of the symptoms of depression as well as the effect of depression. Whenever I am well or manic, I do not have problem with this. I always find life meaningful as I live for the Lord and serve Him. I love life because God has given it to me, to know Him, love Him and serve Him.

Maybe not everyone who experience depression or prolonged severe depression, struggle with this question on the meaning or purpose of their life. Sarah suggested that one possible reason why I contantly struggle with it whenever I fall into depression, could be because I am a very purposeful person. I do things with purpose in my mind. I thought through why I choose a certain path or why I do a certain thing. I do no just go through the motion or follow the crowd and do things because everyone is doing it. I think she has got a point. I am not someone who likes to join the rat race in the working world. I do not work just to earn money but I want to enjoy what I am doing and to make significant contribution to my work. When I make friends, I don't just make and keep them for my own enjoyment or benefit. I seek to find ways to help and encourage my friends and be a blessing to them.

Sarah helped me to understand that the meaning in my life is found not just in having something meaningful to do although that is important and gives meaning to my life. But the meaning in my life is also found in having a meaningful relationship with God and with others in my life. I found that life is only meaningful to me when I have a right relationship with God. I cannot imagine my life now without God. Life is definitely meaningless to me if I do not have God in my life. The ability to pray, to read the Bible and to go to church is very important to me. I will be very saddened and discouraged whenever I am prevented from enjoying these when going through severe depression. This is one of the greatest reason why I will conclude life is meaningless whenever I am depressed.

I found that life is meaningful to me not just in having a meaningful relationship with God. Even if I enjoy God on my own and have all the knowledge of the Bible and doctrines, something is still missing in my life if I keep these to myself. I found meaning in my life when I am able to share my life with others. I love to care for people. I have been a care giver of my parents for the last 15 years until my father passed away in 2001. I am still the main care giver of my aged mother who battles many illness. I have a wonderful relationship with my siblings and nieces and nephew. I am my nieces and nephew's favourite aunty. Sometimes when we go out, people thought that my nieces and nephew are my children because they will cling on to me :-)

I have may wonderful friendships in my life among my church friends and other friends. I value friendships a lot as I am someone who feels very deeply. Friendships make my life very meaningful. I can give up many things for my friends. Many times I will not buy many things for myself but I readily buy those things for my friends. I like to make people happy by giving them gifts and cheering them up. I like to spend time with people who are lonely and needy. I enjoyed serving in the elderly ministry in my church together with my church friends in which we reach out to a group of poor and elderly people in my church neighbourhood. I enjoyed the friendships with these elderly when many people do not enjoy it. They too seemed to enjoy my friendships and they remembered me though I have not been able to be actively serving in this ministry since my relapse of severe depression in December 2006. I missed them every now and then and it is still a joy for me whenever I get to see them.

I am finding meaning in my relationship with God and all these other relationships in my life, and in my service in the church and my work. These all make my life worth living. My life is no longer a big mess or a confusing one. It is fill with meaning and purposes, and I look forward to each day the Lord has given me so that I may spend it for Him and others. I look forward too to the day when my tasks here are completed, and I can enter into my eternal rest and enjoy God in worship and fellowship forever more, never to be hindered by sins or sicknesses anymore. Until then, I continue to run the race that is set before me, looking unto Jesus the Author and Finisher of my faith. Praise God.

What about you? Do you also struggle with a confusing life due to bipolar or depression? Have you found something helpful to cope?

"Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." James 4:14

"....I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." John 10:10

"Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" John 11:25-26

Learning to cope with stress and mood swings of bipolar (manic and depression)

Recently, I have been feeling very very tired and easily stressed. I believe this is partly due to effect of being rather manic for some weeks prior to this and also partly because I have taken on some freelance assignments which are mentally taxing and with rather tight deadlines. I am also having to manage some other personal and family matters. These can be rather overwhelming. I just realized that I have been having more on my plates than I can managed!

I was feeling rather down for a few days as I was very very tired. I prayed daily for God's grace and strength. Thank God for His mercies and faithfulness. I am learning to cope through the following ways:

1) I look to God daily in prayers and reading of the Bible. When I feel overwhelmed and sad, I pour out my heart to the Lord in prayers. I told him of how tired I felt and how discouraged at times. Sometimes I felt a sense of uselessness and a dread to face the challenges ahead of me. I felt so weak and without strength to carry on. I am beginning to realize that these are signs that I am overly stressed and strain, and may lead to an episode of severe depression soon if not manage carefully.

I fear relapse of severe depression as they zapped me of all my energy and I can't enjoy God, the Bible, worship, my family, my church, my friends, my work, my hobbies, etc etc. Thank God that He bids us to come unto Him when we are weary and heavy laden and He will give us rest. I told the Lord my fear and pray that He may preserve me and help me to cope. I found encouragement in the singing of Psalm 130 that reminds me that I can cry unto the Lord from out of the depths I am in and He will hear and answer my prayers, and deliver me in His time. The song "Because He Lives" also brings great comfort and assurance to me. Because our Lord Jesus Christ suffered, died and arose again, and He is living and in control, and He loves me, I can face tomorrow in His strength and grace. Thank God that He can still any storm in my life! Thank God for giving me peace as I learn to cast my cares upon Him. My flesh and my heart fails, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever.

2) I am learning to recognize early symptoms of being overly stressed and dangerous mood swings which may either escalate into manic or spiral down into depression. I am learning to realize the importance of not overlooking these but at the same time not to be too discouraged by these. I am learning to accept that these are part and parcel of bipolar which needs to be carefully managed. I can learn to manage it by looking to God and prayerfully using whatever helps and means available. I can still live a meaningful and useful life.

Everyone experience mood swings every now and then, but the tricky part about depression or bipolar is how to manage it and prevent as afar as possible from getting too manic or falling into severe depression. Even if I do fall into severe depression, I hope I will remember that it will pass away and I will be better again. It is hard during severe depression to remember what it is like to be well. I hope this blog and what I have written when I am well, will remind me of it.

One of the best coping strategies, suggested by professionals and patients alike, is using a mood chart to track my own episodes and symptoms. I am using a Mood Diary to keep track of my mood swings. Some charts I found to be helpful in tracking moods or lifestyles are:

a. Mood Diary (mooddiary.pdf)

b. Here is another Booklet from DBSA with some explanations and charts for Lifestyle and Mood Tracking (lifestyle-and-mood-tracking.pdf)

c. Here is a helpful tool to use for Healthy Lifestyle Tracking with the emphasize on Sleep, Nutrition, Exercise, Relaxation, Comfort and Self-Expression, Relationships (healthylife.pdf.)

3) I am taking my medication regularly. I am taking 100mg Lamictal (Lamotrigine) which is a mood stabiliser and 25mg Seroquel (Quetiapine) which is an anti-psychotic, daily. My pdoc said these will help to stabilise my mood on the longer run as I learn to manage triggering factors.

4) I am endeavouring to eat regularly and more healthily. I eat a variety of fruits and vegetables daily to get enough vitamins. I am also taking Omega-3 supplements regularly which is supposed to be helpful in stabilising mood disorders in long run.

5) I am trying hard to sleep at regular hours though I am tempted to work beyond my sleeping hours. I am learning to slow down now. I think with enough rest for my body and mind, plus healthy food for my body, it will be able to cope better with the various challenges.

6) I am making time to exercise every morning. I have not been able to continue my membership with the Women's Gym after the trial membership expired in mid-Feb because they have decided to change their opening hours. I prefer to go to the Gym in the early mornings as it helps to strengthen me for the daytime. Now, I try to go for brisk walkings whenever I can and do some simple exercise at home.

7) I am learning to cope with stress. I hate stress but I know we cannot avoid stress. Unless I learn to manage stressful situations in my life, I will always be overwhelmed by it.

I thank God for friends and family's advice and brain storming. Thank God that providentially, I need not do one of my freelance assignments which is very stressful due to its volumn as well as tight deadline. Although this mean a great loss of income, I am glad I can keep my sanity! I realized that I cannot take on freelance assignments that are too difficult and strenous, or mentally too straining and stressful, with too tight deadlines. I will burn myself out and it is not worth the money. My health is more important.

I am also learning to use a Diary to plan my time and tasks daily, set my priorities and break down difficult items into smaller and more manageable portions. I marked down dates of various appointments and deadlines of my freelance assignments, so that I don't missed them out. I list out items I need to work on daily, and I check them out whenever they are completed. There is a sense of accomplishment when I finished a small tasks.

I am learning to take one day at a time! Hard lesson to learn as I tend to do 101 things at the same time :-)

8) I am learning to plan some time either along the day or at least once a week, to take a break from my daily routine and to have some form of recreations. All work and no play, makes Jack a dull boy :-) I need some form of breaks and recreations, to recharge my batteries!

I am enjoying photography whenever I have opportunity to go out. I am also enjoying making bookmarks using the photographs I have taken and giving them to my church members and friends. These are rather therapeutic to me.

I am also learning to take short breaks throughout the day to stretch myself and take a drink, or sometimes a quick nap when I need them. These takes a lot of discipline too as I tend to be very engrossed in my tasks.

9) I am learning to open myself up and share with my family, church and friends when I am troubled or perplexed or too stress. Often others can see things more clearly than me and can help me to see things from a right perspective and manage them better. Thank God for family and friends who have helped me recently to manage some stressful and difficult situations in my life.

I am thankful for opportunities to go out for a meal with my friend or to go Prayer Meeting together. These help to break from my routines and are refreshing to me.

I am thankful for this blog where I can use like a Journal or Online Diary to express my thoughts and feelings. It is therapeutic for me to verbalise my thoughts and feelings whether they be happy or sad ones. I am glad that I can express myself in this way and need not put on a mask. And I am thankful for church friends and blogging friends who care for me and willing to read my thoughts and feelings and pray for me and encourage me, or make suggestion on how I can cope.

And I am so thankful to God to be supported by so many of you, my dear blogging friends! It is such a great blessing from God that though we may never meet on this earth, we can pray, encourage and support one another through the various challenges we face here. These are tokens of God's goodness and mercies to me, and I praise Him!

10) I am learning to recognize when my thoughts began to turn negative and eats into me. When my moods spiral down, if I don't recognize it, it will overwhelm me. My thoughts became rather negative recently and I started to feel very down for many days. Thank God for sending family, church members and blogging friends who reminded me of God, His love and mercies and ways to manage my condition. Some helped me to identify faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns or behaviours, and how to rectify them.

Thank God that my thoughts are clearer now and I am feeling so much better! I know I still need to be very prayerful and vigilant. I am comforted that the Lord has provided me with people who loved and cared for me, and also provided much help to manage my conditions. I know I must learn to look to Him and use these means for my well being.


Thanks and praise to God for His goodness and mercies in helping me to learn to cope. There is so much I am learning daily and seems to have to keep relearning some of these things, and reapply them. Thank God for grace and strength.

Thank God for His presence with me and encouragements through His Words. And thanks again to all of you for your prayers, support and encouragements.

In memory of my father

Yesterday, my family and I visited the crematorium where the ashes of my late father was kept. My father passed away in the year 2001 at the age of 70 due to heart failure. How time flies! It's been seven years already since then.

My father was diagnosed with heart failure 10 years before that. I read an article that said most people with heart failure died within 5 years of their diagnosis. My father survived for 10 years. The doctors said it was because my family took very good care of my father.

My father loved children and so he loved my siblings and me very much. But my mother said, I was his favourite child. My mother said when I was a little child, I was dressed like a boy because I looked so much like my father! It was only when I went to school at the age of 7 years old that I started to wear dresses :-)

When I first came to work in Singapore in 1989, I used to travel home to Malaysia every weekends. My mother told me that my father will wait at the window to watch me alight from my bus. Sometimes he can sit for hours just waiting for me to return home.

My father was a very simple man and easily contented. He worked for 30 years in a same company and won many awards for long term service as well as good service. He was jovial and friendly. He seemed to live beyond worries. My mother used to get upset with him and said that even when the sky dropped, he will just take it as a blanket to cover himself. There is a Chinese proverb for that :-)

I am glad that I have the privilege to take care of my father in the later part of his life, together with my family. God has been good to my father and I hope to share with you again of God's goodness and mercies to him.



A photo of the place where my father's ashes are kept.

Because He lives, we can face tomorrow

The last few days have been very difficult for me due to physical tiredness, mental stress, etc etc. Thank God for His love and comfort through His Words. Thank God too for sending many encouragements through my blogging friends, my Pastor and church friends.

As I visit my blogging friends' blogs, my heart goes out to many of them who are struggling with physical infirmities, mental stress and discouragements. Some experience rapid cycling in their bipolar and cycle in and out of depression. It is difficult to go through severe or prolonged depression, and when it is clinical or biological in nature it is even more difficult to get out of it. Thank God that we can pray and encourage one another as we wait upon God for deliverance and restoration, while we seek to use whatever means that are available and helpful to us in our particular situations.

This morning, I listen to "Because He Lives" again. This song brings great encouragement to me whenever I listen to it. I am reminded afresh that "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow". We serve a risen Saviour! And He can still any storm in my life, for His lovingkindness and mercies is from everlasting to everlasting. We are more than conquerors through Him that loved us (Romans 8:37).

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!"

Christianity Today has a touching account of how this Song was written by Bill and Gloria Gaither during a very difficult time in their life.

Inspired by the miracle of their son's birth, "Because He Lives" poured out of the Gaithers' grateful hearts. The song clearly affirms the hope believers have in Christ. We can face tomorrow, with all its uncertainty, as we realize that God holds the future and makes life worth living.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days before He Lives!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

I love to watch this video "Because He Lives" By The Gaither Trio 1972 posted by hoover4000 in which Gloria explained the circumstances surrounding the time they wrote the words to "because He lives" and then the gaither trio sings it in 1972.

This video "Because He Lives" By The Gaither Vocal Band/Mark Lowry is posted by hoover4000.

In Celebration of Being Alive

My church will be partaking of the Lord's Supper this coming Lord's day. As I prepare my heart to come before the Lord's Table, I am reminded afresh of our Lord Jesus Christ's love for us in coming into this world, suffered and died for us to redeem us from sins and eternal damnation. Thank God that our Lord is risen and by trusting in Him and turning away from our sins, we are reconciled to God through Him.

In this life, we shall have our portion of ups and downs, joy and sorrow, wellness and sickness, success and failures, etc etc these being part of our fallen nature and living in a less than perfect world. The tricky thing for those of us with a mood disorder such as depression or bipolar, is how to handle these challenges so that they do not either escalate into manic episodes or dragged us down into depression. Both are detrimental to our spiritual, mental and physical well being. But sometimes no matter how hard we try and with whatever help we have, we may still find ourselves deep in the pit of depression or wildly manic. These are the nature of our illness and we need patience to wait for them to pass, as we wait upon God while using whatever means available for recovery. Waiting is difficult as we wrestle with our pains and confusions. It is a struggle to me but thank God for sustaining and delivering me time and again.

Sometimes we may wonder why God allows us to go these sufferings. Or if our loved ones are the ones suffering thus, we may question why. All sufferings are ultimately due to living in a fallen world and our struggles with remaining corruption. But beyond these sufferings, are the higher purposes God may have for us in drawing us nearer to Himself so that we may know more of His love and faithfulness and be made more dependant upon Him, in purging us and sanctifying us so that we may be made more like our Lord Jesus Christ and ultimately in glorifying Himself through His sustaining and delivering us. God also enables us to sympathize with others who are going through suffering and share His love and mercies with others as we seek to comfort them with the same comfort that God has comforted us.

I thank God that we are able to encourage one another and support one another through our blogs. And I believe one of the reasons is because God has allowed us to experience much pains and sufferings in our life and giving us the joy of trusting in Him. We are weak but He is strong and His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. Though we may never meet on this earth, we can continue to share and support one another just as the Lord encourages us and strengthens us through all the changing scenes in life.

Recently, I shared the story of "Love Token" from my collections of short stories. This morning, I re-read another short story in my collections. And this story reminds me once again of how I should view my suffering and losses due to bipolar. I hope it will encourage you too and enable you to look at your sufferings or losses in a different angle:

In Celebration of Being Alive

A world-renowned heart surgeon ponders suffering and takes a lesson from two brave youngsters.

More and more, as I near the end of my career as a heart surgeon, my thoughts have turned to the consideration of why people should suffer. Suffering seems so cruelly prevalent in the world today. Do you know that of the 125 million children born this year, 12 million are unlikely to reach the age of one and another six million will die before the age of five? And, of the rest, many will end up as mental or physical cripples.

My gloomy thoughts probably stem from an accident I have a few years ago. One minute I was crossing the street with my wife after a lovely meal together, and the next minute a car had hit me and knocked me into my wife. She was thrown into the other lane and struck by a car coming from the opposite direction.

During the next few days in the hospital I experienced not only agony and fear but also anger. I could not understand why my wife and I had to suffer. I had 11 broken ribs and a perforated lung. My wife had a badly fractured shoulder. Over and over, I asked myself, why should this happen to us? I had work to do, after all; there are patients waiting for me to operate on them. My wife had a young baby who needed to care.

My father, had he still been alive, would, I know, have given short shift to my petulant questioning. He would have said: "My son, it's God's will. That's the way God test you. Suffering ennobles you - makes you a better person."

But, as a doctor, I see nothing noble in a patient's thrashing around in a sweat-soaked bed, mind clouded in agony. Nor can I see any nobility in the crying of a lonely child in a ward at night.

I had my first introduction to the suffering of children when I was a little boy. One day my father showed me a half-eaten, moldy biscuit with two tiny tooth marks in it. And he told me about my brother, who had died several years earlier. He told me about the suffering of this child, who had been born with an abnormal heart problem, but in those days they didn't have sophisticated heart surgery. And this moldy biscuit was the last biscuit my brother had eaten before his death.

As a doctor, I always found the suffering of children particularly heartbreaking - especially because of their total trust in doctors and nurses. They believe you are going to help them. If you can't, they accept their fate. They go through mutilating surgery, and afterward they don't complain.

One morning, several years ago, I witnessed what I call the Grand Prix of Cape Town's Red Cross Children's Hospital. It opened my eyes to the fact that I was missing something in all my thinking of suffering - something basic that was full of solace for me.

What happened there that morning was that a nurse had left a breakfast trolly unattended. And very soon this trolly was commandeered by an intrepid crew of two - a driver and a mechanic. The mechanic provided motor power by galloping along behind the trolley with his head down, while the driver, seated on the lower deck, held on with one hand and steered by scraping his foot on the floor. The choice of roles was easy, because the mechanic was totally blind and the driver had only one arm.

They put on quite a show that day. Judging by the laughter and the shouts of encouragement from the rest of the patients, it was much better entertainment than anything anyone puts on at Indianapolis. There was a grand finale of scattered plates and silverware before the nurse and ward sister caught up with them, scolded them and put them back to bed.

Let me tell you about these two. The mechanic was all of seven years old. One night, when his mother and father were drunk, his mother threw a lantern at his father, missed and the lantern broke over the child's head and shoulders. He suffered severe third-degree burns on the upper part of his body, and lost both of his eyes. At the time of the Grand Prix, he was a walking horror, with a disfigured face and a long flap of skin hanging from the side of his neck to his body. As the wound healed around his neck, his lower jaw became gripped in a mass of fibrous tissue. The only way this little boy could open his mouth was to raise his head. When I stopped by to see him after the race, he said, "You know, we won." He was laughing.

The trolley's driver I knew better. A few years earlier I had successfully closed a hole in his heart. He had returned to the hospital because he had a malignant tumor of the bone. A few days before the race, his shoulder and arm were amputated. There was little hope of recovering. After the Grand Prix, he proudly informed me that the race was a success. The only problem was that the trolley's wheels were not properly oiled, but he was a good driver, and he had full confidence in the mechanic.

Suddenly, I realized that these two children had given me a profound lesson in getting on with the business of living. Because the business of living is joy in the real sense of the word, not just something for pleasure, amusement, recreation. The business of living is the celebration of being alive.

I had been looking at suffering from the wrong end. You don't become a better person because you are suffering; but you become a better person because you have experienced suffering. We can't appreciate light if we haven't known darkness. Nor can we appreciate warmth if we have never suffered cold. These children showed me that it's not what you've lost that's important. What is important is what you have left.

This story reminded me afresh that it is more helpful for me to focus on what I still have and to use them for God's glory and benefit of others, instead of dwelling on what I may have lost or are loosing due to bipolar. I am learning, by God's grace, to look beyond my bipolar. I am learning to manage bipolar as best I can by looking to God and using all the helps available prayerfully, so that I can be more functional and useful. I pray that God will enable me to use whatever strength, time and ability I have to serve Him, His people and the society at large.

Recently, Michelle too shared that although she may have health issues but she can still do a lot. She prefers to think of us as "differently-abled" rather than disabled. I like the word "differently-abled". Yes, we may have health issues or other physical infirmities, we have our limitations and our downtime may be more than others, but we are not disabled. We are "differently-abled". We do still have our gifts and talents just like everyone else. We can use them to the best of our ability and live a useful and meaningful life, to God's glory.

I am reminded also of what I learned in my Catechism Class :

Westminster Shorter Catechism

Question 1: What is the chief end of man?
Answer: Man’s chief end is to glorify God,^a and to enjoy Him for ever.^b

^a 1 Cor 10:31; Rom 11:36; ^b Ps 73:25-28; Rev 7:15

• EQ 1(a) What is meant by the chief end of man?

A. The chief end of man refers firstly to the divine purpose for man’s existence and secondly to what man ought to aim at in his life and therefore that which he should seek after as his chief good and happiness.

• EQ 1(b) What does it mean to glorify God?

A. To glorify Him does not mean to give God any additional glory since he is eternally and infinitely perfect and glorious.^a What it means is to manifest God’s glory in our lives.^b When we worship and acknowledge God in sincere praise and thanksgiving, we glorify him.^c Similarly, when we sincerely endeavour, in our actions, at all times and in all situations, to exalt God’s name and to promote the interest of His kingdom in the world, we glorify Him.^d

P. ^a"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect" (Matt 5:48). ^b"But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light" (1 Pet 2:9). ^c"Whoso offereth praise, glorifieth me" (Ps. 50:23a; cf. Heb 13:5). ^d"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Cor 10:31).

Read more .....

• EQ 1(g) What does it mean to enjoy God?

A. To enjoy God, is to rest in God and to delight in Him.

P. "Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever" (Ps 73:25-26).

EQ 1(h) How do we enjoy God in this life?

A. In this life, we enjoy God when we taste of His goodness and experience His special love for us which is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. This happens especially as we commune with Him in prayer, in the reading of His Word, in beholding His creation, and in contemplating His providence.

P. "O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him." (Ps 34:8). "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us" (Rom 5:5).

• EQ 1(i) How do we enjoy God hereafter?

A. Our present enjoyment of God will be perfected seeing that we will be glorified, hindered by sin no more, and admitted into heaven where we shall see Christ face to face, to rest in Him and experience a full sense of His love. Our enjoyment and delight in God will be perfect and inconceivable then.

P. "In thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore" (Ps 16:11b); "There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God" (Heb 4:9).

• EQ 1(j) Why is the glorifying of God and the enjoyment of God joined together as one chief end of man?

A. Because God has so designed man that the very means of enjoying God is to glorify Him.

P. "Whoso offereth praise glorifieth me: and to him that ordereth his conversation aright will I shew the salvation of God" (Ps 50:23). "For of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things: to whom be glory for ever. Amen" (Rom 11:36).

(Read more ..... from my Pastor's short commentaries on the Westminter Shorter Catechism)

May we, by the grace of God, look beyond our weaknesses and limitations, and look to God alone whose grace is sufficient for us, whose love is unchanging and to whom we belong. May His love and faithfulness be our joy and strength daily. May He enable us to live for His glory and enjoy Him here and for all eternity!





I took picture of this beautiful Rose at the Sentosa Flower exhibition at Sentosa Island, Singapore.

"The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying,
Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love:
therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."
Jeremiah 31:3